Shackles Withdrawn….

So, it appears we’ve come to the end of the no-contact order, so I thought I’d post just in case the lost one is watching….

First, I do not hate you.  I do have a fair amount of fear, but I will always love you.  Second, I will not be initiating contact with you.  In the immortal words of Admiral Ackbar, “it’s a trap!”.  Lastly, I will not tolerate anything that harms me, or, more specifically, my wife and/or daughter…I will not suffer this nonsense twice.

I don’t want to go into much detail on this forum, but I will send a lengthy opinion, on all things Princess related, if asked to do so.  But, I will say that I know who you are…..No, not that image you portray; rather, YOU.  The reason your shitty mother threw you away is because she saw herself in you, and I think you know what that means.  That doesn’t mean that you can’t become a great person, but if you go through life continuing to deny those psychological issues, you will damn yourself to live with demons, as your mother has chosen to do.  You’re better than that and better than her…I truly believe that.

Also, I wouldn’t mind you having a relationship with the baby, but trust needs to be built and it will be on our terms.

Anywho, feel free to contact me via any means you see fit (sans showing up on my doorstep….that will not be tolerated).  I truly hope you’re well, all things considered, and that you continue to defy the odds.  What little I’ve been able to hear about you has made me proud of what you’ve accomplished….I would have folded, as a kid, given your situation.  My number is (302)650-4104, and I’m sure you know my FB, email, etc..

Stay strong.  I love you.

Letters to Come

I’ve had a hard time sleeping of late; mostly due to nightmares about my kids/ex.  I truly do not wish to delve into the blogoshpere anymore, but I need the outlet.  I’ve been reading old letters from my oldest daughter, along with other various ‘evidence’ from my past, and, to be honest, it infuriates me.  To have her call both her mother and I ‘monsters’ pisses me off to no end.  Regardless of her fuzzy recollection of things unspoken, we were stellar parents for this child.  From birth, I spent 24/7 coddling her and supporting her no matter what the endeavor.  Her mother and I both told her, consistently, how great she was and gave her every affection.  I never ONCE raised a hand to her, nor did I ever even raise my voice in anger (outside of the typical stern parental voice we all use on occasion).  Yet, she has these delusional claims of ‘fear’, largely because the true monsters have programmed her as such.

You see, it wasn’t enough to have vague recollections of shit that didn’t happen…..they needed her to find additional reasons to hate us both, and she fell for it.  How dumb can a child be?  Most kids would give their right arm for the parents she had, yet she throws them away for a state that literally makes money off of her ‘pain’?  Don’t get me wrong, her mother is analogous to the antichrist, but she never did anything to harm her kids (at that time)….I hate defending the piece of shit, but she did not explicitly harm any of her children; that was my ‘line in the sand’ with her.

Anyway, I do not wish my oldest daughter ANY ill-will.  I still love her to death and yearn for some sort of constructive relationship, but she seems enamored with the lies of the state and seemingly compelled to further destroy my life/child.  I’m not sure what I can do to make things right, but I WILL be sending a letter, in April, outlining my position on a cornucopia of issues….

For now, know that I love the child and never hurt, or would hurt, her in ANY way.  Unlike her, my delusions are not solely in my head….I have the polygraphs, evidence, etc. to prove my end of things.  I’ve been upfront and honest with just about everyone in my life and I NEVER ask them to take me at my word….the evidence speaks for itself.

In either event, I do not intend to delve deeply into the blogosphere, but recent events/ruminations have compelled me to write.  I truly do wish the best for all of my kids and, despite what they’ve done, I want them to succeed.  I sit on the sidelines cheering them on amidst an array of disinformation and stupidity…….all in the hope of, one day, actually reaching them and having an adult conversation about it all.  In the meantime, know that “sister” is beautiful and well….her smile can move planets, and, like the princess, she seems particularly attached to me.  She is a fantastic human being!

P.S. – If you don’t love me, and don’t care for me, move the fuck along.  The ex lied SO much, both to me and herself.  Actions speak louder than words for such people, and if your intent to is distance, than fucking distance away.  I will not pursue that which does not wish to be pursued…..our ‘relationship’ is purely in your hands.  Though I will take every precaution to protect myself and my family, from you, I will not turn my back on someone so beloved.  You are a piece of my soul that cannot be discarded…..you may have your mother’s predilection for dissociation/sociopathy , but you are of me, which trumps all!

Judah and the Lion…..

Goodbye…

So, what I feared has come to fruition.  Either the monster Ex has called CPS, or my hateful oldest daughter and/or her pseudofamily.  I don’t know much, as “anonymous” is a broad label, but I do know that a certain rent-a-dad has been in touch with CPS and has been trying to get me on various things, such as “contact”.  Enjoy that fake father, young one, it’s all you have going forward.  Essentially, I’m done.  I was willing to forgive and forget the transgressions of the past, under the right circumstances, but causing willful harm to such a beautiful, young, innocent person is beyond forgiveness for any of you pieces of shit.

For fuck’s sake, a premature infant?  REALLY, I’m a threat to a fucking infant?  I hope you all rot in hell where you deserve to be and, should I make it through this ordeal, I can assure you that NONE of you will be a part of my life and she will NEVER even know of your existence!  I will be sending out restraining orders against the lot of you….stay the fuck away from me and my *real* family forever…..fin.

It’s sad, though, because so much of Amelia reminds me of my own kids.  The way she always calms in my presence…..her curmudgeonly old-man face…..all of it.  It’s so bitter sweet seeing this bond grow, but only at the expense of the old, but it is what it is, and you’ve all crossed that proverbial line.   Either way, I’ll always love all of you….it’s sad that a few misguided nightmares can do this to so many people.  Enjoy your rent-a-parents and the pedophile rapists of the east…..these are your beds; lie in them.

So, stay the fuck away from me and mine.  I will be putting legal steps in place to keep you ALL away from me and my daughter and when current legal restrictions fade, I will renew them.  There is no hope of a reunion…..the line was crossed.  Good luck in all of your future endeavors…..I love you all.

  • Your Father

Kid Cudi, “Goodbye”:

So these ignorant bastards understand where good music came from….Pink Floyd, “Goodbye Cruel World”:

Amelia Lain….

So, the wife has had issues with high BP and was mildly preeclampsic for a couple of weeks.  On Monday, July 4th, her BP spiked to 198/110, which meant she was officially severely preeclampsic.  The doctors made the call that she needed to be ambulated and start the induction process.  Late on July 4th, they started to induce her.

For almost 3 days, the birth process went exceedingly slow.  On July 5th they placed a large balloon in her cervix that dilated her to 4cm, but she stalled and even regressed on the 6th.  This morning, at 6 am, she measured 5 cm, though her cervix had completely thinned…..it looked like we were in for another long day:-(  At 8:45 I decided to shower, as I wanted to head downstairs to grab some coffee and food.  At 8:50, the nurse bangs on my shower door and says something inaudible.  I quickly washed the soap out of my hair and threw some clothes on.

As I rounded the corner from the bathroom/hallway, in our room, I immediately heard a chaotic flattering of noise that sounded like a small army…..then I heard, “push!”  3 damn days of waiting and the kid practically falls out during my 5 minute shower!!  At 9:57 Amelia Lain was born.  They immediately placed her on the wife’s chest and I proceeded to cut the cord.  But, baby Amelia didn’t cry and she had the color of a slimy blueberry!

A nurse whisked her away to a small bassinet in the room and attempted to jostle her, whilst clearing her airway.  The two doctors in the room called a code and a whoosh of medical people stormed into the room….my heart sank and tears filled my eyes.  The NICU staff arrived 10 deep….

Normally, I don’t startle easy, and being calm during a tense situation is kind of my thing.  But, when you see 5 MDs and a plethora of specialized nurses show fear….well…the fear became almost overwhelming!  After about a minute of failed attempts to get poor baby Amelia to breathe, the head MD said “we need to move”.  She grabbed the lifeless body and ran out of the room with her army of staff in tow.  One of the nurses turned to me and said, “you can follow….we’re right down the hall.”  So, I kissed the wife and headed down the hall to a small, specialized room where they continued to work on her and prepped her for intubation.  One of the team of nurses saw me visibly shaking and the tears rolling down my cheeks, so she sat me down and hugged me and said, “these guys do this every day; she’ll be okay.”

The intubation process was quick and, almost by miracle, baby Amelia turned pink.  The head doctor turned to me and started asking questions about the pregnancy and birth…the question session snapped me back into reality.  The nurse that hugged me asked if she’d like me to have her go talk to Amelia’s mom, or if I wanted to step out and talk with her……’OMG, Steph…..’.  In the heat of things, I completely forgot that she must be horrified.  She’s back getting stitched up and wiped down, presumably terrified that her husband and lifeless child were whisked away.

Despite my fear and emotions, I had to suck it up and put on a brave face, as to not worry her.  I walked between the two loved kin and tried to stay positive.  After about 20 minutes, Amelia stabilized enough for them to transfer her to the larger NICU wing and they were able to stop by, on their way out, to allow Steph to see the baby and briefly touch her foot.

I followed Amelia to her permanent room in the NICU, which was beautiful.  The team there was amazing and Amelia began to move a bit.  Eventually, she opened her eyes as if to say, “what the hell is this thing in my throat….it’s got to go!!”  Despite her protest, the breathing tube remained, but seeing her beautiful blue eyes gave me a sense of elation that I haven’t felt in some time.

About 3 hours later, Amelia began grabbing at the tube and the NICU doctor felt she was strong enough to remove it.  So, they placed her on a small CPAP machine to facilitate her breathing and I got to hold her for the first time.  She was a bit fussy, but she quickly fell asleep in my arms and started to make that sucking motion that newborns practice in their sleep.  She was adorable!  I felt a sense of calm that I hadn’t felt in 17+ yrs……I love her SO much!

Now, I have to fear the ex, and previous kin, due to the actions they might take to harm her.  I will NOT allow it, no matter what the cost.

Some pics of the day:

IMG_0934[1].JPG

 

 

 

Mishandling the Patriarch….

Father’s Day is tough for me for many reasons that I’ve delved into on this blog and this year was no exception.  The wife was great with the Stupid Baby, but I just can’t shake those ghosts of the past, particularly when one of them seems to be intentionally trying to cause pain/harm.  For the most part, the day went well and I even got a surprising “Happy Father’s Day” from a loved one, which meant the world to me.  We even had a great ‘game night’ with the best GoT episode yet (all with several good friends in tow).  But, the youngest spent the day threatening my wife with promises of causing harm to our unborn child if she doesn’t acquiesce to her demands.  Couple that with some employment issues (not getting paid for work, yet again!), and it’s left me psychologically broken since Sunday.

It’s so hard to sit on the sidelines and see the manipulation and lies unfold.  To know that if I could just remove them from the leeches they’ve surrounded themselves with, that most, if not all, of this would go away.  It’s also hard to see my youngest turn into the viscerally hateful monster that her mother is, especially knowing that most of it stems from manipulation that she’s seemingly incapable of recognizing (which is a trademark of the best manipulators).  I’ll ALWAYS love her, but, at this point, I just want her to go away.  If it’s your mother you believe/want, then have at it, but leave me out of that shithole pseudo-existence.

I also recently saw the World of Warcraft movie with the wife and a good friend.  It was tough, because though I liked the experience, I couldn’t help but yearn to have my oldest daughter and son there, given the bond we had over that stupid game.  We could have made fun of all of the various references:  Sheeping the guard in particular;-)  I was SOOO close to all of them and I have so many vivid memories of the positive interactions we had, yet I’m supposed to bury all of that away and pretend it never happened?  Even worse, I have to live with the notion that I’ll never again engage them on that level…..they have been inculcated in an immutable doctrine and ‘hope’ is not a thing I’m predisposed to these days:-(

So, my Father’s Day was whiskey filled, which seems to be literally killing me these days.  I’m not sure if the recent blood loss was directly due to said consumption, but there is definitely a correlation between negative health outcomes and imbibing these days.  I was pretty much bed-ridden yesterday, yet I’ll likely pick up the bottle again tonight.  Something, anything to abate my demons and specters of the past.

*EDIT* – Add:  One thing that makes me happy, in a sadistic sorta way, is that I know the ex has to go hug that monster she calls a father and pretend to “love” him.  How much it must rip her soul apart to hug the guy that stole her childhood and violated her every being….hope the money was worth it, dear ex…..

Two songs….one apropos to the topic, and the other a favorite that I’ve posted before, but always seems to be applicable:

“Wow”, by Beck:

“Spirits”, by The Strumbellas:

Wuv, True Wuv….

So, I married a fantastic woman the other day.  The ceremony was great:  Personal, yet fun as hell.  We played slip-n-slide kickball and made a saison NWIPA for the event (well, Nick made it, and I learned some shit as the lacky)…..it was a metric fuckton of fun!  I’m not even going to bother telling my kids, as I’m fairly certain they don’t give a fuck anymore.  What really matters is Stupid Baby, and the shell in which she dwells!

I have some amazing friends these days…something I was denied for almost 20 yrs.  People willing to embrace ever aspect of who I am, and all of those I embrace in turn.  My wife is a truly amazing individual:  Honest (above all else), dedicated and hard working.  She embodies all that I’ve ever wanted and she’s going to be the mother I wish all of my children had.  Loving, caring (not some personality that ‘pretends’ to care) and nurturing to the Nth degree….she’s an amazing human being that my previous kids will likely never know (their loss).

As an aside:  I nearly died last week.  For reasons yet not entirely clear, I lost nearly half of my blood (4-5pints) due to a GI bleed.  A colonoscopy and an endoscopy yielded no tangible explanation and, as a result, I have to go swallow a camera pill within the next month.  Most people die from such an ordeal, but, again, I seem to be immortal;-)  In either event, my now wife, stood by me the entire time and slept with me at the hospital, despite carrying my demon seed and being quite uncomfortable (she eventually climbed into my hospital bed to sleep).

She’s an amazing person, and I’m glad she’s stuck by me through all of the PTSD and nonsense.  I wish I could give her the best of who I am, but I’m still struggling to overcome the leeches of my past.  In either event, thank you, Dear Steph.

The first song I dedicated to her:  M83’s, “Too Late”:

Would-Be Embraces..

So, I thought tomorrow would be the day that I finally get to face my eldest daughter and *try* to mend some of the wounds, but that likely won’t happen for another year (if ever) and there’s not much I can do about it.  She’ll be 18 in 20 minutes (prolly by the time I post this) and no such embrace will take place.  However, she will be out of the evil clutches of CPS, so hopefully some of the brainwashing subsides.

I’ve only heard faint whispers of her, but I’m proud of what she has become and that she’s managed to keep it together for as long as she has.  I fear for her future and wish I could be there to help deal with the battles I know that rage in her mind, but she seems to have grown into a strong, intelligent woman, one that, oddly enough, seems identical to myself in so many ways.  An amazing human being.

But, that isn’t necessarily what compelled me to write this blog….to “pick up the pen”, so to speak.  Rather, I had yet another unwanted exchange with the ex and it’s prompted me to seriously evaluate my ability to go forward.  To make a long story short, the ex, unbeknownst to me at the time, ran us into unfathomable debt; mostly between 2008 and 2011.  I’m still not sure how great the debt actually was, but it was well over 150,000.

It’s funny, because, at the time, I used to think it was cute that should could do my signature almost as well as myself.  She even had it tattooed on the back of her neck.  WELL, it wasn’t just a cute little trick…..she used it to forge my name on various credit cards, loans, etc..  More importantly, she used it to get student loans in my name that I never knew I got and didn’t need (my undergrad work was all tuition free, due to her disability status).  Student loans CANNOT be discharged in a bankruptcy!

So, she send me an email, in her typical passive-aggressive way, informing me of one of these fraudulent loans (forwarded it to me).  This was enough to convince my rather willfully ignorant youngest daughter that she was just “trying to help”, but she knows my phone #, my email, my family’s addresses/#s, etc……it was just salt in the wound to start a conflict.  In my typical stupid fashion, I shot back and told her to pay her own fraudulent debts.  Of course, she said no (Well, she said to “stop playing games”).  I then told her that the ONLY way I could get rid of those loans was to tell them that she forged my signature, which involves going to the police, which I didn’t/don’t want to do (not a fan of cops).  Moreover, I told her that with my current income levels, I could get the loan payments down to around $5/month…..all I wanted her to do was pay her own debts!

She responded by blackmailing me and telling me, in not so many words (to fool the easily fooled youngest child), that if I went after her for anything she’s done to me, she’ll call CPS and have my yet-to-be-born child taken from my fiancee and me.  I have no defense to that….CPS, in this country, is absolutely above the law and, given my position, could easily do whatever the hell they want.  There is no due process, no defense….nothing.  They are a modern day gestapo!

The sad part, is that her entire existence has been about the money since almost the beginning of this debacle.  She chose her current love interest because, in her words, “he made good money” (not, “he’s cute”….”he treats me well”….etc), just as she’s gone back to those demon parents for the material support they can give her (and her paranoid fear that I’ll come after her….they have $, lawyers, political influence, etc.).  It’s also why she tried to get me to kill myself  a couple of years back….that 655k$ in life insurance would have paid a LOT of bills and allowed her to keep her distant from the pedophile rapist family.  That 1mm to the left cost her a lot!!!!

Anyway, I’m not sure how long I’ll be on this planet, as I will forfeit my life the second those monsters come for my child….they will not ruin her as they have my other children!  I also worry about the aforementioned birthday and the decisions she makes in the next year, or so.  I fear that my youngest will corrupt her into going back with the ex and I’m certain the ex, and her family, are more than willing to buy her affection (it’s what they do….rape you a bit, but here’s a shiny car /sigh).  The Princes has some serious issues to deal with…mental stuff akin to her mother.  It doesn’t make her bad, but she’s standing on a precipice right now:  Take a step, or two, backwards and get the help she needs to get her mental health stuff in order, or live in ignorance, surround herself with monsters and plot along jumping from one trauma to the next as her suppressed issues tear apart relationship after relationship…….the girl cannot live with many faces (okay, GoT was on tonight).

But, what can I offer?  I can’t even speak with her and, even if I could, I can’t offer her the material things that the demon family will throw at her?  All I could offer is TRUE love, that has nothing to do with personal gain, personal status, etc..  Honestly, the ONLY thing that gives me any hope is that I believe she knows how messed up her mother is and she knows that she was thrown away with malice.  You see, this is a case of ‘it takes one to know one’, and though I cannot seem to get through to my youngest, I think she sees a bit of herself in her mom (not nearly to that extent mind you….but there’s the precipice…), just as her mom saw it in her very early on in the process.  Case in point: During one of our long walks, around my dad’s old neighborhood, the ex made it clear that “she’s just like me……I’m terrified of her”.  When I said, “but, you’re not that bad….anyone can be helped”, she replied, “I’m a monster…you have no idea”……with a completely dead look in her eyes.  At the time, I thought it was hyperbole….I knew the ex had done some messed up shit, but I never thought, in a million years, she’d try to kill me for $, nor that I’d see my youngest in a photo with the ex’s dad in a Santa suit (the same dad/Santa that would come into her room, when she was 8-10 yrs old and rape her on Christmas eve…it’s a fucking abomination!).

I love my kids….all of them.  I hope one day they truly grasp the reality of all of this.  I also hope that a girl of many faces has the day of her life and sees the value within her.  I’m as proud as a disconnected person can be!  Rise like the new sun….

A band I recently saw at the Roseland in Portland, and one of my all-time favorites….M83 – Un Nouveau Soleil