So, I thought tomorrow would be the day that I finally get to face my eldest daughter and *try* to mend some of the wounds, but that likely won’t happen for another year (if ever) and there’s not much I can do about it. She’ll be 18 in 20 minutes (prolly by the time I post this) and no such embrace will take place. However, she will be out of the evil clutches of CPS, so hopefully some of the brainwashing subsides.
I’ve only heard faint whispers of her, but I’m proud of what she has become and that she’s managed to keep it together for as long as she has. I fear for her future and wish I could be there to help deal with the battles I know that rage in her mind, but she seems to have grown into a strong, intelligent woman, one that, oddly enough, seems identical to myself in so many ways. An amazing human being.
But, that isn’t necessarily what compelled me to write this blog….to “pick up the pen”, so to speak. Rather, I had yet another unwanted exchange with the ex and it’s prompted me to seriously evaluate my ability to go forward. To make a long story short, the ex, unbeknownst to me at the time, ran us into unfathomable debt; mostly between 2008 and 2011. I’m still not sure how great the debt actually was, but it was well over 150,000.
It’s funny, because, at the time, I used to think it was cute that should could do my signature almost as well as myself. She even had it tattooed on the back of her neck. WELL, it wasn’t just a cute little trick…..she used it to forge my name on various credit cards, loans, etc.. More importantly, she used it to get student loans in my name that I never knew I got and didn’t need (my undergrad work was all tuition free, due to her disability status). Student loans CANNOT be discharged in a bankruptcy!
So, she send me an email, in her typical passive-aggressive way, informing me of one of these fraudulent loans (forwarded it to me). This was enough to convince my rather willfully ignorant youngest daughter that she was just “trying to help”, but she knows my phone #, my email, my family’s addresses/#s, etc……it was just salt in the wound to start a conflict. In my typical stupid fashion, I shot back and told her to pay her own fraudulent debts. Of course, she said no (Well, she said to “stop playing games”). I then told her that the ONLY way I could get rid of those loans was to tell them that she forged my signature, which involves going to the police, which I didn’t/don’t want to do (not a fan of cops). Moreover, I told her that with my current income levels, I could get the loan payments down to around $5/month…..all I wanted her to do was pay her own debts!
She responded by blackmailing me and telling me, in not so many words (to fool the easily fooled youngest child), that if I went after her for anything she’s done to me, she’ll call CPS and have my yet-to-be-born child taken from my fiancee and me. I have no defense to that….CPS, in this country, is absolutely above the law and, given my position, could easily do whatever the hell they want. There is no due process, no defense….nothing. They are a modern day gestapo!
The sad part, is that her entire existence has been about the money since almost the beginning of this debacle. She chose her current love interest because, in her words, “he made good money” (not, “he’s cute”….”he treats me well”….etc), just as she’s gone back to those demon parents for the material support they can give her (and her paranoid fear that I’ll come after her….they have $, lawyers, political influence, etc.). It’s also why she tried to get me to kill myself a couple of years back….that 655k$ in life insurance would have paid a LOT of bills and allowed her to keep her distant from the pedophile rapist family. That 1mm to the left cost her a lot!!!!
Anyway, I’m not sure how long I’ll be on this planet, as I will forfeit my life the second those monsters come for my child….they will not ruin her as they have my other children! I also worry about the aforementioned birthday and the decisions she makes in the next year, or so. I fear that my youngest will corrupt her into going back with the ex and I’m certain the ex, and her family, are more than willing to buy her affection (it’s what they do….rape you a bit, but here’s a shiny car /sigh). The Princes has some serious issues to deal with…mental stuff akin to her mother. It doesn’t make her bad, but she’s standing on a precipice right now: Take a step, or two, backwards and get the help she needs to get her mental health stuff in order, or live in ignorance, surround herself with monsters and plot along jumping from one trauma to the next as her suppressed issues tear apart relationship after relationship…….the girl cannot live with many faces (okay, GoT was on tonight).
But, what can I offer? I can’t even speak with her and, even if I could, I can’t offer her the material things that the demon family will throw at her? All I could offer is TRUE love, that has nothing to do with personal gain, personal status, etc.. Honestly, the ONLY thing that gives me any hope is that I believe she knows how messed up her mother is and she knows that she was thrown away with malice. You see, this is a case of ‘it takes one to know one’, and though I cannot seem to get through to my youngest, I think she sees a bit of herself in her mom (not nearly to that extent mind you….but there’s the precipice…), just as her mom saw it in her very early on in the process. Case in point: During one of our long walks, around my dad’s old neighborhood, the ex made it clear that “she’s just like me……I’m terrified of her”. When I said, “but, you’re not that bad….anyone can be helped”, she replied, “I’m a monster…you have no idea”……with a completely dead look in her eyes. At the time, I thought it was hyperbole….I knew the ex had done some messed up shit, but I never thought, in a million years, she’d try to kill me for $, nor that I’d see my youngest in a photo with the ex’s dad in a Santa suit (the same dad/Santa that would come into her room, when she was 8-10 yrs old and rape her on Christmas eve…it’s a fucking abomination!).
I love my kids….all of them. I hope one day they truly grasp the reality of all of this. I also hope that a girl of many faces has the day of her life and sees the value within her. I’m as proud as a disconnected person can be! Rise like the new sun….
A band I recently saw at the Roseland in Portland, and one of my all-time favorites….M83 – Un Nouveau Soleil